I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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