if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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