I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
