Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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