He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
