i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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