If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?