My sheets look like a crime scene.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
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All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite