I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
