Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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