There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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