She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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