Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
