Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
