Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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