Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
