I faked an abortion last night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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