the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.