Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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