Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.