My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.