That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is Oprah even human
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
