I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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