I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
