Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
