If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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