You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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