If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
