I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
