So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We got so high we made milksteak
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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