I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
