I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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