Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
