i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
