tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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