I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
