Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
