there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
