so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
