I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
