Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
