1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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