Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
