Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
