Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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