My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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