I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
