in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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