Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
