Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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