Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
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Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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