What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Randomize
