Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
