billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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