My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
