i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
