Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
