i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
