I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
