well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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