I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
