I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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