im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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