OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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