Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
