see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
