I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
